The Views of Sirius Black
by Dresden-Neville
Summary: Different people and different situations give Sirius ways to handle the situation at hand. Slash, please R&R! possible MPREG..don't know yet. AU.
1. Chapter 1

Characters don't belong to me because they belong to Mrs. J. K. Rowling.

View of Sirius - #1

FLASHBACK

Sirius leaned up against the wooden seats out at the Quidditch field. In his hands he held yet another gruesome letter from his ever hating family. Although the things they wrote about didn't bother him anymore, it was just the timing.

The last week or so things between the Marauders' had been someone..tense. As they were all at the age of 16 hormones flew and things got in the way of their friendship. James had finally gotten "his" Lily and they had been going steady for at least four months now. Who would've known?

Sirius heard footsteps and smiled slightly. He knew who it was, Remus. Seconds later the werewolf sat beside him with a slight thump. Sirius leaned his head against the slightly taller boys' shoulder. Remus patted it craning his neck to look into Sirius' face.

"You can come back now. I promise it's safe."

Sirius half smiled. "Thanks, but I'd rather sit here for a bit more."

Remus nodded and sat back getting comfortable. Sirius sighed and sat up.

"You should go back, it's almost time for the moon. Besides it's bloody cold out here and it wouldn't do well for you to get sick."

Remus cocked an eyebrow. " You should follow your own advice, Sirius. Look at you, you're freezing!"

Sirius looked away.

"I like being cold. It suits me."

Remus looked puzzled as he moved to sit directly in front of Sirius. This was the person that was so energetic and mischievous. This was the one who was the picture of life. Remus shook his head sadly and stoked Sirius' cheek.

"You're not cold, Padfoot."

Sirius looked at Remus and grinned. "Well actually, you said yourself that I was freezing."

Remus smiled and playfully punched Sirius on the shoulder. Sirius grabbed his hand with quick reflexes and yanked Remus into a kiss. When they broke apart Remus frowned at him.

"You know you should try something else to get your feelings out, instead of pity and quick mood changes."

Sirius rolled his eyes but said sullenly, "I know."

Remus stroked his chin. "Why don't you try a journal?"

"A journal?"

"Yeah."

Remus could see just see his idea being wasted when Sirius surprised him.

"Alright."

Remus' eyes went wide. "Really?"

Sirius nodded and stood up rubbing his arms.

"Come on, I'm freezing!"

Remus stood up and wrapped his arms around Sirius and they walked back to the castle.

END OF FLASHBACK

So that was why Sirius was sitting there with a red book, a quill, a bottle of black ink, and a very sullen look on his face. This time instead of sulking at the Quidditch Field he remembered Remus' idea and decided to try it.

He opened the notebook to reveal new fresh pages. He had borrowed it from Lily, who said that she had tons of extras. She also gave him a hug and said that she was there if he needed her. Maybe she wasn't that bad, even if she stole James a lot.

Sirius thought about how he was feeling and inspiration struck. He picked up his quill and started writing furiously. Remus stood in the doorway quietly as to not disturb anything. He smiled slightly, as he held in his arms his very own red book.

Please REVIEW..it's nice to know if someone is actually reading your work..


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much for the reviews.

This isn't really Sirius' journal, just different accounts of times when he wrote and why and how he started the journal.

Maybe at the end I'll include some of his entries! I'll think about it!

View of Sirius- #2

James groaned as he sat up groggily. The insistent knocks on the door drove him off the couch, (don't know why I fell asleep on the couch, he thought absently), and towards the front of the house. A light appeared upstairs and his father came down followed by his mother.

"Who is it, dear?" Mrs. Potter asked.

James shrugged and threw open the door to reveal and a very frantic Sirius clutching a small brown bag. James blinked in surprise and yanked Sirius in out of the cold winter night.

"Sirius what the bloody hell are you doing!"

Some more lights were turned on and soon Sirius was led to the kitchen, sat down and a warm cup of tea was pressed into his hands. Mrs. Potter had thrown a blanket around him that was charmed to keep warm. Mr. Potter was busy inspecting Sirius' face, which was mildly bruised and asking the same question James had asked merely minutes ago.

Sirius held up a hand and said softly, "I had to leave. I couldn't take it anymore, I'm sorry to barge in at this time of morning but it was the only chance I had."

Mrs. Potter hugged Sirius slightly. "No don't apologize. You are welcomed here always, dear."

Sirius smiled his thanks, not trusting his voice. A lump had found its way in his throat and soon James was in the kitchen with Sirius all by himself. He settled down next to Sirius, drinking his own tea. He watched Sirius struggle with keeping the tears at bay.

James patted Sirius' shoulder and pulled him into a friendly hug.

Needless to say, Sirius lost the battle of the tears.

James watched over the course of the next day as Sirius, every now and then, bent over a red notebook writing. James was curious but knew that this was something that he wasn't going to be allowed to see. James didn't ask.

At dinner that night, Mr. Potter cleared his throat and everyone looked up at him.

"Now Sirius, me and Amelia have talked about what to do. Obviously you're not going back to your family."

Sirius nodded his agreement. He'd never go back to that house. James waited nervously for his parents' decision.

Mrs. Potter smiled. "So you are going to stay here with us, if that's okay with you."

James grinned at Sirius who returned it.

"That's great," the two boys said in unison. They laughed and dug right into their food again. Mr. and Mrs. Potter smiled and went back to their food also.

James and Sirius played around all the rest of winter break and when they got back to Hogwarts finished the year with high spirits. Sirius, of course came back to the Potters' where he spent the rest of his school days. He was like the brother James never had and it stayed that way.

When James and Lily got married Sirius was their best man. Lily had thrown the bouquet and an embarrassed Remus had caught it. Sirius smiled and laughed as he pulled Remus into a loving kiss, which Remus had fully returned. The others laughed.

A month later Remus proposed and the two got married and had a private wedding with just friends and family. A couple years later Lily and James announced that they were going to be parents in nine months and wanted Sirius to be the godfather.

Although this had been years of happiness Voldemort was a constant threat to the wizarding world and to the Potters. Sirius got a job being an Auror, as did James.

Then there was the threat of traitor inside of the marauders…

TBC……

Thank you..please review!


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry it has taken so long. I'll be honest I just haven't felt like writing..lol. Anyway hope you enjoy this chapter..lots of angst in this one.

View of Sirius- #3

Sirius grasped the edge of the table trying to regain his balance. He shook from head to toe as he made his way to the bathroom. He sat down on the toilet and took hold of a small vial of clear liquid, or more accurately, an abortion potion.

Sirius uncorked it and drowned it. He prepared himself for immense pain, after all the wizard he had gotten it from told him exactly what was to happen: extreme pain, nausea, possibly vomiting, headache and fever.

Sirius felt a tear escape. He was killing his and Remus' child but he knew it was for the best. There was a traitor among them and Remus was always here and there and Sirius thought it to be..

Sirius tore himself on the toilet to put his heads in it as he vomited. After a few minutes he was able to regain his breath and sat back. He felt horrible inside and out, emotionally and physically. The pressure and tension that had been among them for the past months was trying and Sirius didn't know how much longer he could take.

He got up and moaned. He walked half bent over to the library where his red book sat. He wrote for a couple minutes until he couldn't stand sitting anymore. He went to the den, which was much closer than the bedroom, and fell on the couch curled up in a ball. He put his face in a pillow and screamed. He screamed until his throat hurt. He sat up and grabbed the nearest trashcan and prepared for another vomit fest. During the middle of it Remus walked in.

"Sirius!" Remus ran over there. "Oh god why didn't you owl me? I would've come home if I knew you were ill!"

Sirius shook his head and put the trashcan down. Remus' worried face looked into his feverish one and Sirius broke down. Remus gathered him up into his arms.

"I'm so sorry..so damn sorry Remus. I had to..I couldn't.."

Remus stroked Sirius' head confused and worried. He hadn't seen Sirius this..emotional since the Willow incident. He got scared.

"Sirius, please love. Calm down, I'm sure whatever you..did wasn't that bad."

Sirius shook his head. "It was..Remus it is," Sirius nearly yelled hysterically.

Remus sat Sirius up and looked at him. "Sirius stop it, I mean it stop!" Remus said forcefully," Calm down. I know everything's been hard with Voldemort and all but.."

Sirius looked at the wall breathing raggedly. Only if Remus knew, only if he could tell Remus what he did. Sirius scooted a little from Remus.

Remus looked at Sirius hurt but he quickly dismissed the feeling. "Remember Albus talked about the Fidelus charm?" At Sirius nod he continued, "Well I talked to James and he wants you to be the secret keeper."

Sirius' eyes went wide and he looked at Remus. "What? No, no he can't."

"He loves and trusts you Sirius like a brother. Besides if anyone is prefect for the idea, it's you."

Sirius stood up and grabbed Remus' hand. "No come on."

"Where are we going?"

"James."

They flooed there and was met by a very surprised Lily and baby Harry.

"Padfoo! Mooey!"

Sirius stopped for a brief moment to smile and give Harry a hug. Then he turned to Lily seriously.

"Where's James?"

Lily pointed to the figure that was coming out of the kitchen. James glanced at Lily and gave her a baby cup for Harry. James frowned.

"What is Sirius? What's wrong?"

"The Fidelus Charm and me."

James sat down on the love seat. "What do you mean? You're perfect for the job."

Sirius shook his and began to pace. "No, you see I've been thinking ever since Albus presented the idea. You should make Peter the secret keeper."

James stood up quickly and yelled, "WHAT!"

Harry jumped and began to cry. Lily glared at James and picked up Harry, who instantly quieted after seeing everything was okay. James looked at Sirius strangely and Remus looked down shaking his head.

"Yes Peter. Voldemort wouldn't dream coming after him. After all Peter isn't the strongest or brightest of wizards and he would be of no use to Voldemort. It's perfect!"

James looked Sirius over and glanced at Lily. She shrugged and sat down holding Harry tightly. Remus sat down and put his head in his hands. Sirius looked at James trying to get him to understand his meaning with his eyes. James closed his eyes and looked away. When he opened them he looked back at Sirius.

"Alright," James nodded, "We'll choose Peter."

Sirius nodded. "I'll get Albus and Peter."

Within the next hour or so Peter was made the secret keeper and the lives of the Potters were now safe, or so everyone thought. While Sirius stayed up late writing Remus tossed and turned. While James and Lily stayed in the comfort of each other's arms little Harry slept. While the rest of the world muggles and wizards alike slept or went on with their business Peter, quiet as a mouse, told his master of the plans.

Voldemort planned his attack and made it. Harry lived while his parents died. Sirius learned that Peter was the traitor and tried to kill him and got sent to Azkaban. Remus was left thinking Sirius was the traitor and a murderer. He had packed up all of Sirius' things and out them in a vault, including Sirius' red book.

There you go. That's all for now, enjoy.


	4. Chapter 4

Here's another chapter.

And to the reviewer you know who you are: even if Remus was the traitor he already knew about the secret keeper and the fidelus charm…so it wouldn't matter if he came along or not…lol..hope this clears it up for you.

View of Sirius- #4

Lie low at Lupins', lie low at Lupins', lie low at Lupins'…

Sirius put his head into Buckbeak's feathered neck. Those words were forever implanted in his brain. He felt a jolt in his stomach as Buckbeak descended. Sirius closed his eyes against the dizziness. The past two days were filled with exhausting traveling, no food, and worry.

Buckbeak hit the ground roughly in front of a small but cozy looking cottage. Sirius glanced around at the surroundings. There was nothing but trees for miles on end. He scooted- more like fell- off of Buckbeak and held tightly onto the hippogriffs' collar waiting for the world to stop spinning.

When the world righted itself he tied up Buckbeak and made his way to the front door. He lifted a hand to knock when it was thrown open and he was blinded by robes and the smell of chocolate and tea.

"Re-Remus…" Sirius managed to croak out. He hadn't realized how hoarse his voice was.

Remus let go of him and ushered him into the house. Sirius was led to the living room and made to sit down. He sunk into the cushions as Remus took a seat across from him. He looked up into Remus' face.

"I hope," Sirius began and coughed to clear his throat, "..I'm not intruding..Dumbledore..he..er…"

"Not at all Sirius." Remus answered quickly moving over by Sirius. Sirius nodded a bit looking down.

They sat in silence for a bit and Sirius felt his eyelids grow heavy. He didn't even realize he had fallen asleep until he woke up in pure sweat from a nightmare.

Sirius sat up quickly, his breath ragged. He looked around and saw Remus sitting in the chair, looking at him.

"I couldn't wake you," Remus explained softly, "I decided that you'd come out of it when you were ready."

Sirius wiped his forehead shakily. "Remus?"

"I couldn't sleep Sirius. I couldn't sleep without telling you how sorry I am. Without saying how I thought you were the traitor and how I blamed you for Peter's death…and how I thought you were insane. Sirius.." Remus broke off, his voice cracking.

Remus put his head in his hands silently sobbing. Sirius moved off the couch and over to where Remus sat. He took his old friend in his arms and sat with him while Remus poured out everything that had happened while he had been in Azkaban.

Sirius sat, in guilt and sadness as Remus told him of how horrible his transformations were and how lonely he and the wolf had been. He told of how he lived in darkness for the first couple years until he finally had grieved enough. When it seemed Remus was calmed enough Sirius gently let go of Remus awkwardly, stood up and looked at the time. 2:35A.M. Remus followed his gaze.

"Sorry for keeping you up. I know you must be tired."

Sirius shook his head. "Don't apologize. It's not like I sleep anyway," Sirius replied sullenly.

Remus studied Sirius. "What were you dreaming about, Padfoot?"

Sirius turned around abruptly. He hadn't heard that name…

"Don't call me that," He said fiercely. Remus looked taken aback.

"Sirius.."

Sirius turned back around. "I'd very much like a shower. If you could please loan me a pair of clothes."

Remus stood. "Of course," He said quietly.

Sirius nodded his thanks and following Remus' lead quickly got a shower started. He heard Remus quickly put clothes on the sink and get back out.

Sirius let the water cascade over him, hiding his face in the water. The shower was good for two things. Getting clean, of course and Sirius' personal favorite. Hiding tears.

Sirius leaned against the wall and let the pain come forward. What he didn't know was that the bathroom was right next to Remus' bedroom. Remus was currently sitting on the bed, listening to every sob Sirius poured forth.

TBC………………


	5. Chapter 5

The reviews are wonderful and helpful.

View of Sirius- #5

A week passed slowly by with much talk and tears. Sirius was becoming more of his old self, which Remus was glad. For the first two days it was like a zombie had hid inside of the animagus' body.

Remus woke up when he felt an unnatural source of heat from the other side of the bed. He turned over slightly to realize Sirius was sleeping soundly next to him.

Instead of jumping up or asking Sirius what the hell he was thinking, Remus cuddled up to him. Remus put his arm around Sirius' thin waist and pulled him closer. Sirius opened his eyes to peer into Remus' face.

"Hey Remmie…s'too early.."

With that Sirius closed his eyes and was asleep in a matter of seconds. He pulled the werewolf's arm further over him until he was completely in Remus' embrace.

Remus, shocked but amused at this whole entire display, sniggered silently. He had forgotten Sirius performed in full function even in sleep. Then he realized the position the two of them were in.

Remus didn't move but lay there, letting his mind debate the pros and cons. Was this right? After so many years apart could they really just pick it up again? Remus couldn't deny that his heart and emotions longed for only one, handsome, perfect, sexy…

"You're thinking about me."

Remus was thrown out of his thoughts. "Wh-what? What makes you say that?" He asked looking down at the now fully awake Sirius.

"You're smiling and your mouth is slightly open. You only do that when you're thinking of me…in a..let's say a certain way."

Sirius grinned and Remus blushed. "Well..you..you're supposed to be asleep!" Remus said frustrated.

Sirius grin grew smaller as he reached up and stroked Remus' face.

"I never stopped loving you..Moony."

Remus' heart thumped faster. "I never stopped loving you, Padfoot."

With that they kissed, not the first shy kiss either. It was a passionate kiss, the one they had longed to have for thirteen long years or loneliness and pain. When they broke apart for air they kissed again.

"Do you think we could….possibly make up lost time in one day?"

Sirius put his nose to Remus' nose.

"We can try."

So they did.

Sorry..it is a bit short…but hopefully it was a short and sweet one..lol.


	6. Chapter 6

Here's the last chapter. I've got a new story that I wrote during Hurricane Dennis. Although it's not through yet I'll post the first chapter soon!

View of Sirius - #6

Remus sat five huge boxes full of junk. It had been two months since Sirius fell through the veil and Remus decided that it was enough sitting around being depressed.

He moved a box of old clothes and came upon one filled with books and albums. He sat back going through an album filled with pictures from Hogwarts.

Memories swept him into another world and for the next few hours he cried and laughed as he went through album after album. As he reached into the box he pulled out a red notebook.

"Sirius' journal," Remus said softly.

He went to read it but Molly walked in and he shut it.

"I've got dinner ready, dear or if you want I can bring it to you."

Remus smiled. "Thank you Molly, but I'm through here for today."

He stood up and followed Molly to the kitchen. There he saw Fred and George talking animatedly to Mudungus and Arthur talking quietly to Bill. He took a seat next to Ron who turned to him.

"Have you read Harry's letter?" Ron asked filling his plate.

Remus nodded taking a bowl of potatoes. "Yes I did."

Ron nodded too looking a bit uncomfortable.

"How do..how do you think he really is?"

Remus stopped eating for a minute and put his fork down. He looked at Ron, whose face showed his concern for Harry.

"He lost the closet thing to a father. Even though I am like a father to him, Sirius and Harry had a special bond."

Ron looked back at his plate. Remus stared for a few minutes at the red-haired boy then went back to his meal.

OOOOOO

Remus clutched the red book in his hands as he lit a small table lamp. He opened it not noticing the piece of paper that dropped on the floor at his feet. He opened it to the first page and read:

**Remus said to start this journal thing. I guess I will because for him I'd do anything. **

**I feel so angered by the fact that my parents can't accept anyone but their pathetic souls. They can't even accept me.**

**I see Mr. and Mrs. Potter and James and realize how important family is.**

**Why can't I have a family?**

**I guess..wait I know I will..one day.**

Remus swallowed thickly, decideding not to read the rest. After all it was just about the same. He read page after page of Sirius' deep hatred for his family. He stopped at one page that had the words **I'm Sorry** on the top of the page in big letters. He continued on reading:

**Remus I'm so..so fucking sorry. I had to..maybe one day I can tell you why I did it. I had to Remus please understand..please try to forgive me…I'm so sorry.**

Remus stopped confused. He continued reading:

**I can't believe I did it either. I can't believe I just aborted our child. I'm-**

The diary stopped there. Remus was in shock. Sirius had been pregnant. He had aborted their child. Remus looked at the date. His eyes filled with tears, as he knew why Sirius had done it. That was around the time of Voldemort's first rise.

Remus continued reading out of pure curiosity. By the time he got done it was already one in the morning. He stood up and noticed the torn paper on the floor. He bent down and smoothed it out. It was another entry, this one dated some four months ago.

**Remus and Harry I have a feeling this war is going to get nastier than anyone, even Dumbledore, imagined. If something should happen to me, whether in action or me doing something in pure insanity**(Remus smiled slightly at this)** then I want you two to have everything of mine. Maybe I'm being paranoid or maybe I'm being morbid..but…truth is I'm scared.**

**I know I shouldn't be, hell it's not like I'm doing anything, but..I am. **

**One last thing if you ever need me whether in life or death I'm here for you.**

**Remus I love you with all my heart and soul.**

**Harry I love you like you are my own son.**

**I leave to you my memories and my life.**

**Sirius**

Remus sat down unable to hold the sob back any longer. He put the piece of paper to his heart.

"I love you my Sirius, with all my heart and soul," Remus sobbed.

As daylight appeared Remus rose from the chair. He watched the owl disappear with the note from Sirius in its claws. He breathed in and quickly turned around.

He could swear he smelled Sirius' cologne. He sniffed again and smiled.

"Hey Siri," he whispered.

THE END.


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